I was super excited to be applying for what I consider an amazing opportunity with a brand.  I’ve seen so much growth with my blog around consistency and authenticity, and the feeling of accomplishment consumed me immediately after completing the application. I finally felt qualified as a new blogger.

Until these questions popped up; “what’s your ethnicity” and “what’s your nationality”?

The questions caused me great concern; not because they were difficult or unrealistic, but because I did not know the answer.  I mean, I’m technically American since I was born in the United States.  But I really wanted to know my genetic composition.  You know, I instantly wanted to know who I was, and was slightly upset that I had no clue about the history of my ancestors. 

I didn’t even realize the depth of my concern until I was having a conversation with my blog coach Elayna, while at Hispanicize and she began explaining how most Latinas get very offended if you get their nationality wrong. If they are from Brazil and you confuse them for Dominican, they feel slighted.  (Not because the other nationality is less than, but because they are proud of who they are and where they are from.)

I sat there in absolute awe, thinking “how powerful!”  Just listening to the pride, honor and love that they carried for their country and family, was incredible – and something to be admired.  I was saying to myself “I would love to know my nationality, who I am.” During dinner, I shared my frustration with the five Latinas at the table, who were all from different countries. I told them that I was forced to select African American for both questions because I didn’t know where my roots originated.

 And while I’m proud to be an African American woman, I would like to know more about my make-up, who I am.

A few weeks later, I found myself in an interesting place. I was borderline depressed and felt as if I was fading from the person I once knew as me. It took weeks to break free. I could not put my finger on the problem, but I knew I had one.

Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever felt as if something was not right, but not really sure how to define it?  That was me.  I tried to explain it to a few people close to me, but I couldn’t properly do so.  Then it hit me.  While I am on a journey now to find out more about who I am from DNA standpoint, I also need to find out more about who I am in this season of my life. 

I’m trying so hard to pursue my purpose, and somehow, I keep getting pulled back into the hustle of “just” making money. You know, I’m working for a paycheck because my purpose isn’t sustainable yet.  The weight of my work literally caused me not to be able to write my blog post last week.  I was stuck.

That place of uncertainty had caused me great grief.  I’ve over analyzed and under planned, which left me exhausted.  The feeling of depression was real. I was not imagining those feelings. I told myself, it’s okay not to be okay. But it’s not okay to stay that way.

There were three things I realized, and deemed noteworthy during my experience about the importance of knowing who you are.  When you don’t know who you are:

·         You will begin filling that void with things and people that are not in alignment with your dreams and goals.

·         You will lack confidence in your purpose, talents and abilities to fulfill your destiny.

·         You will start settling for anything in hopes to have something.

Moms, I was really struggling.  Sharing this story with you is a critical part of my healing. As I type, I feel freer. Knowing that I don’t have to pretend to be perfect while discovering who I am at my core, and living my maximum capacity is invigorating.

The last few weeks, I discovered I must always take inventory and assess how my environment is affecting who I am becoming. Am I staying true to my roots, my core? Or am I feeling stuck because I am taking on the identity of my lack?

Do you know who you are? How are you handling the adjustment of BECOMING?  I’ve decided to order a DNA test and find out more about my heritage.  I’ve also decided to speak life to myself and live in my truth.  I love being me!

 

[latoyia]